Saturday 22 December 2012

So, I wrote a book

I don't think I actually told you guys, but I'd set the 21st as a deadline for finishing editing. The reasoning being that the world could end if it wanted, so long as I'd finished.

Well, yesterday came, and I did get it finished (!), and went, and the world didn't end. So now I have this novel hanging around that I'm not allowed to do anything to and I have to publish the wretched thing.

I'll let you know how that goes.

I have a little shortlist already of publishers that might be worth a shot. As I've said before, I'm going the traditional publishing route, but I'm going to start by trying some smaller publishers that are accepting unsolicited submissions. If I don't get any interest or don't like the contracts if I do, I'll have a look at agents, and maybe the bigger publishers, but as a starting point the small guys sound like they might be a good middle ground between self-publishing (of which I am not a big fan) and the big traditional publishers.

So I guess the next step is to start writing letters. I hate writing letters.

Merry Christmas.

Sunday 16 December 2012

Fifty Eighteen Ways to Kill Somebody with a Mobile Phone

The other day I came across a file on my computer titled '50 ways to kill someone with a mobile phone'. You'll probably be pleased to know that this isn't the plans for some nefarious act of villainy on my part, or even on the part of one of my characters. It is in fact a creative writing exercise from several months ago that I'd forgotten all about.

I'd signed up to an email course on the basis that it was free, and this was one of the tasks in the first instalment. So I sat down and eventually came up with eighteen. Then I saved the file, and after being unable to think of anything to add to it for a few days, forgot about it. But here's what I got:

1.       Hit them over the head with it
2.       Break the casing to get a sharp edge and stab them
3.       Force it down their throat and choke them
4.       Create a gas leak and then ring it to create a spark (and explosion)
5.       There's got to be something poisonous in there (in the battery maybe?)
6.       Ring them while they're driving, until they have a crash
7.       Send incriminating texts to get them shot (I admit, I got this one off Spooks)
8.       Cyber-bully them to the point of suicide.
9.       Booby-trap their phone with a bomb, poison gas, etc, that goes off when they next use it.
10.   Electrocute them. If the battery doesn't have enough juice, there's always the charger
11.   Speaking of which, garrotte them with the charger cable
12.   Sticking with the charger, introduce some toxic/infectious substance onto the prongs of the plug and leave it on the floor for them to step on
13.   Have your accomplice engage them in a text conversation as they walk down the street. You could then do anything and they wouldn't notice until it was too late.
14.   Set the ring tone to sound like a smoke alarm, hide it in their house and ring it constantly until they disable the alarm. Then arson (optional: refer to 4.)
15.   Leave it at the top of the stairs for them to trip/slip on
16.   Similarly, use the charger cord as a tripwire
17.   Set a building on fire (if you can't find a convenient burning building already) and ring them, pretending to be a relative trapped inside
18.   Conceal a radioactive source inside it so it really will irradiate their brains. For best results ring them a lot over the following days.

Any more ideas? Let's see if we can get all the way to fifty.